Warning this post contains soul searching
So it's been about a year since I decided to try and get out of my shell and change things up.
About this time last year I'd just had a week's holiday at home. A week spent mostly on my own where I did some soul searching.
I realised that I had very few friends locally and none to go out with .That the last time I'd been out on a Saturday night was 3 years ago. Having been mugged just before leaving university I d stopped going out after dark where I could help it. Mostly subconsciously. I hadn't been on a date in 8 years again not much opportunity when you don't get out a lot .
Plus my mugger had been a 5 ft something female drug addict armed with a broken bottle s which had given me issues with going out but also meeting females. Plus it had shaken my confidence as a bloke being mugged by a female doesn't help your ego. Even if you know deep down that someone hopped up on drugs and prepared to gouge your face we with a broken bottle is going to be a challenge whatever your size.
I hadn't been on holiday for a while since my holiday company reserved right to Chuck overweight people off the coach.i just couldn't risk the embarrassment.
So it's a year later not having been out to London for a night out I'm now a regular for nights out in London.
I 've made some great new friends. Which have been a lifeline. Last Halloween I went out on my own Fed up of being stuck inside with no one to do things with. This year I'm hosting a meet up..
So 've lost over 2 stone, learnt to drive , changed jobs in an upward direction. Despite being petrified no one would employ me because I'm too fat. Mostly down to my dad telling me at the age of around 20 that no one would employ fat people as they were fat and useless. He was trying to encourage me to lose weight in his own way.
Lots of changes my weight is the last barrier I need to deal with.
I was at event recently last night in fact and I had a lot of time to think when I was on my own . I'm never going to be one of the sexy beautiful people. Is it worth trying , will I ever find someone , am i destined to remain alone.
I 've tried dating this past year and been on about 8 first dates and one second date. The second date I was really hoping would turn into a third. With someone who I thought it might work out with . This possibility since December got me through a lot of first dates which didn't get anywhere. However months of hope were dashed last Thursday.
Modern internet dating is cruel . You can chat with someone for weeks even months. Then first date and they don't like the look of you and that is it. No more contact in a lot of cases, not even a sorry there's no chemistry.
I have come to somewhat of a dead end. I've exhausted my possible contacts online and emailing another 40 or 50 women hoping to strike a rapport seems daunting at this point.
As for meeting someone in an another way I tend to automatically friend zone my female acquaintances convinced that they don't find me attractive. If they did they'd probably have to use a skywriter to get my attention.
As for meeting someone in a club my lack of confidence combines with my chivalrous bent. I do sometimes wish i was a bit more of a cad or at least more confident.
I am kind of stuck on what to do next. Part me is considering giving it all up.That there is no point and that no will ever find me attractive
There is one possibility Club Indulge which is apparently for larger folk or though I suspect it is mostly for BBW . i'm a little scared of the idea of going it alone and as a last resort that either I still wont find someone or i will bottle it and not talk to anyone
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Monday, 23 September 2013
A life on the Ocean Wave - International Talk Like a Pirate Day at Bar & Co
This was a very pleasant evening that could have been a great one.
First the negatives , despite being in Time Out only a couple of dozen people attended by the time I left. Secondly the first DJ who was one of the DJ 's who plays want they want despite requests and had decided that 3am chill out music was the way to fill the dance floor. Given that she'd had a couple of dozen people to work with and they were making requests it should have been easy . Give people what they've requested and people are going to dance .
Thirdly at a very early part of the evening I recieved a it's not me it's you text from someone I thought I'd had reasonable chance of establishing a relationship and previously had chemistry with. Not really helped the fact that it was very practical if not tactful and was along the lines of "it's mostly you." This meant that the night would have to have had free rum and real mermaids to cheer me up and allow me to have a good time. However the company was pleasant and the second DJ took my request and played Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi a song guaranteed to cheer me up and get me on the dance floor. (pirate boots are very good for pivoting and heel tapping by the way ) Other song guranteed to have the same effect are "wake me up me up before you go go " by Wham and "Don't stop me now" by Queen what can i say I'm a child of the 80's .
Anyway the evening was partially saved by the company very pleasant and fun and we must have made a fine sight travelling in convoy in costume from Euston. We chatted with some of the other attendees . One who i met as a Gypsy at Dark Circus two nights later. It's a small world. The stunning views and the location a genuine converted sailing ship of some kind possibly a large sailing barge.
Oh the shark babe has such pretty teeth, dear And he shows them pearly white 12th September It's Your Funeral
It's Your Funeral was the absolute opposite of my previous spur of the moment event. I'd wanted to go on a previous occasion bit was put off by the time it would take to get there according to the National Rail website, over an hour from Euston to Bethnal Green. As a resident of Outer Greater North London zone 27 or Watford as us locals call it my geographical knowledge of London is still growing. I really wanted to try this event so investigated further and found the websites estimate included over an hour to get from Euston to Liverpool Street possibly by crawling .
Now knowing that all i needed to do was get on the Central line I set off. All I knew was that it was similar in some way to the New Orleans Jazz style funeral, mourning as a celebration rather than a sad event. What it turned out to be was good ole I suppose cabaret or maybe vaudeville mostly themed around the Funeral of the great but unlamented Jack the Ripper
First up was the suitably creepy compere Bang Crosby to introduce the acts
The first act was a mime a creepy monochrome monster of a mime. Not bad mimes are creepy even when they're not trying so one that's actually trying to be creepy was particularly effective.
Next up we had a songstress Carmen Mon Oxide who had a wonderful voice
Then we had a very random act. A window washer who to strains of George Fornby proceeded to down the contents of his windowlene bottles having mimed washing some windows. This ability to consume large amounts of liquids in a short space of time must be a staple of cabaret as I saw Chrisylis do something this time with "a bottle of wine" while dressed as a pig at Dark Circus. I guess it's just packaged differently and I suppose the mock suicide attempt fitted with the macabre theme. I've seen an act somewhere possibly from a film with a man and a broom allegedly sweeping the stage and then turning it into an act. Answers on a postcard if you can tell me where.... I guess the idea here was the same something to fill a gap while there was a costume change or something happening behind the scenes. Well I hope this was the case other wise the poor lad really needs to work on his act.
Next up we had the Late Night Shop cabaret collective who I could easily follow round London just going to events they're attending formy alternative fix. having seen them 2 or maybe 3 times if it was them doing a really creepy lending library at Rumpus.
They did a comic skit with Jack the Ripper stalking a prostitute complete with authentic period teeth .It had a feel of a silent movie or mime because of the actors movements big telegraphed and very amusing . With Jack pulling various implements out of his bag being caught doing so and then having to mime hammering down the floor boards or pull out his own teeth with pliers in order to allay the suspicions of his intended victim. He succeeds in murdering her and disembowels her pulling out a string of sausages.
We then had a dramatic monologue by Tom Baker who peformed it with verve, elan and applomb. He gave us with great stye the Ballad of Mad Carew or The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God .
You may have heard the opening words before I have although I'm not sure how or when. Having thought about it I may have heard it playe on a loop long with such things as Albert on the Lion on my radio headset on a flight somewhere.
There’s a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu, There’s a little marble cross below the town; There’s a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew, And the Yellow God forever gazes down
It is set in Nepal ("to the north of Kathmandu"), during the British Raj and tells the tale of a wild young officer known as "Mad Carew", who steals the "green eye" of a "yellow god" (presumably an emerald in a gold statue) in order to impress his beloved. He is wounded in the course of the robbery, and later murdered, presumably by a devotee of the god for the theft, who returns the jewel to the idol
Tom Baker would have been fine on his own but his words were given dramatic emphasis by a lady playing that most difficult of instruments a saw. Her accompaniment was perfectly timed and had just the right emphasis and the two of them were probably the best act of the evening
At some point we also had a rendition of Mack the Knife , actually I believe it was while waiting for the main act to start right at the beginning. We also had the Rum Buffalo Funeral Band
playing musc on and off throguhout the night as an accompaniment to when Jacks coffin arrived and then at interval throughout the evening.
We also had Snake Fervour another act which I saw similar at Dark Circus which obviously has a very high pain threshold and a grim determination to let everyone know about it. It was a hide behind the sofa peek through your fingers act . She proceeded to stub cigarettes out on her tongue walk on razor blades and hang a heavy bag off her self via hooks inserted in parts of her face. Not something to watch with you local health and safety officer.
Next we had Jaz Delorean who handled the accordion with skill and half hadme wanting to rush out and buy one of my own.
He proceeded to put a "spell on us" before playing us a ballard of losing his love to a Gypsy King. His voice was so gravelly Network Rail could use it to resurface their trackbed
Mary Beth Morossa was up next. A story teller, performance artist, dancer difficult to categorise. She to a taped monologue telling us the Story of Edward and Virginna proceded
to act out of a young girl walking home at night , a shadowy figure stalking her, their encounter and it's tragic end. All via the medium of dance the encounter was equated to a tango it's movements more macarbe than sensual. You could almost see the london fog and her shoes evoked high heels on cobbles as she tap danced. Another standout performance.
The last performance I saw before I had to make a mad dash for the underground was the Fabulous Bakewell Boys . (a play on the fabulous Baker Boys) They were two comedians from oop North possibly Yorkshire but Bakewell is in Derbyshire so I'm not too sure. For some reason they had on burberry balaclavas?? or some kind of mask. They're comedy was very amusing and all the better for avoiding trying to be rude. Their act was two nice but dim Northern lads. An eccles cake short of a picnic perhaps . They were very amusing with a comedy fire eaters act and the odd comic song.
The night was more macabre comedy than actual New Orleans style funeral but all the better for it.
If the opportunity arises I will definitely be going again even if i have to suggest it on meetup myself
I think this may be one that like Dark Circus will become a regular feature on the calendar.
the l
Now knowing that all i needed to do was get on the Central line I set off. All I knew was that it was similar in some way to the New Orleans Jazz style funeral, mourning as a celebration rather than a sad event. What it turned out to be was good ole I suppose cabaret or maybe vaudeville mostly themed around the Funeral of the great but unlamented Jack the Ripper
First up was the suitably creepy compere Bang Crosby to introduce the acts
Next up we had a songstress Carmen Mon Oxide who had a wonderful voice
Then we had a very random act. A window washer who to strains of George Fornby proceeded to down the contents of his windowlene bottles having mimed washing some windows. This ability to consume large amounts of liquids in a short space of time must be a staple of cabaret as I saw Chrisylis do something this time with "a bottle of wine" while dressed as a pig at Dark Circus. I guess it's just packaged differently and I suppose the mock suicide attempt fitted with the macabre theme. I've seen an act somewhere possibly from a film with a man and a broom allegedly sweeping the stage and then turning it into an act. Answers on a postcard if you can tell me where.... I guess the idea here was the same something to fill a gap while there was a costume change or something happening behind the scenes. Well I hope this was the case other wise the poor lad really needs to work on his act.
Next up we had the Late Night Shop cabaret collective who I could easily follow round London just going to events they're attending formy alternative fix. having seen them 2 or maybe 3 times if it was them doing a really creepy lending library at Rumpus.
They did a comic skit with Jack the Ripper stalking a prostitute complete with authentic period teeth .It had a feel of a silent movie or mime because of the actors movements big telegraphed and very amusing . With Jack pulling various implements out of his bag being caught doing so and then having to mime hammering down the floor boards or pull out his own teeth with pliers in order to allay the suspicions of his intended victim. He succeeds in murdering her and disembowels her pulling out a string of sausages.
We then had a dramatic monologue by Tom Baker who peformed it with verve, elan and applomb. He gave us with great stye the Ballad of Mad Carew or The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God .
You may have heard the opening words before I have although I'm not sure how or when. Having thought about it I may have heard it playe on a loop long with such things as Albert on the Lion on my radio headset on a flight somewhere.
It is set in Nepal ("to the north of Kathmandu"), during the British Raj and tells the tale of a wild young officer known as "Mad Carew", who steals the "green eye" of a "yellow god" (presumably an emerald in a gold statue) in order to impress his beloved. He is wounded in the course of the robbery, and later murdered, presumably by a devotee of the god for the theft, who returns the jewel to the idol
Tom Baker would have been fine on his own but his words were given dramatic emphasis by a lady playing that most difficult of instruments a saw. Her accompaniment was perfectly timed and had just the right emphasis and the two of them were probably the best act of the evening
At some point we also had a rendition of Mack the Knife , actually I believe it was while waiting for the main act to start right at the beginning. We also had the Rum Buffalo Funeral Band
playing musc on and off throguhout the night as an accompaniment to when Jacks coffin arrived and then at interval throughout the evening.
We also had Snake Fervour another act which I saw similar at Dark Circus which obviously has a very high pain threshold and a grim determination to let everyone know about it. It was a hide behind the sofa peek through your fingers act . She proceeded to stub cigarettes out on her tongue walk on razor blades and hang a heavy bag off her self via hooks inserted in parts of her face. Not something to watch with you local health and safety officer.
Next we had Jaz Delorean who handled the accordion with skill and half hadme wanting to rush out and buy one of my own.
He proceeded to put a "spell on us" before playing us a ballard of losing his love to a Gypsy King. His voice was so gravelly Network Rail could use it to resurface their trackbed
Mary Beth Morossa was up next. A story teller, performance artist, dancer difficult to categorise. She to a taped monologue telling us the Story of Edward and Virginna proceded
to act out of a young girl walking home at night , a shadowy figure stalking her, their encounter and it's tragic end. All via the medium of dance the encounter was equated to a tango it's movements more macarbe than sensual. You could almost see the london fog and her shoes evoked high heels on cobbles as she tap danced. Another standout performance.
The last performance I saw before I had to make a mad dash for the underground was the Fabulous Bakewell Boys . (a play on the fabulous Baker Boys) They were two comedians from oop North possibly Yorkshire but Bakewell is in Derbyshire so I'm not too sure. For some reason they had on burberry balaclavas?? or some kind of mask. They're comedy was very amusing and all the better for avoiding trying to be rude. Their act was two nice but dim Northern lads. An eccles cake short of a picnic perhaps . They were very amusing with a comedy fire eaters act and the odd comic song.
The night was more macabre comedy than actual New Orleans style funeral but all the better for it.
If the opportunity arises I will definitely be going again even if i have to suggest it on meetup myself
I think this may be one that like Dark Circus will become a regular feature on the calendar.
the l
Velvet Tongue
This was a rather spur of the moment decision . I'd spent the weekend and August had been a quiet period for my adventures . As regular followers of my blog might have noticed.. I know there's at least one of you. So is probably mentally editing this as she reads :) (I blame the kindle.)
My day had not been going well as with an uncanny sense of timing I'd decided to combine breaking in some new boots with work giving a pedometer to all staff as a healthy living promotion.one which may be slightly floored as they have introduced a competitive element but minimal oversight. I suspect several staffs dogs will be getting a new collar accessory over the coming weeks. Personally i wil treat it as an opportunity to do more exercise . To cut a long story short by the time work finished I'd acquired 3 blisters and a limp. So I decided to head for home rather than hop on a train for a change of shoes. Having missed Herts pride at the weekend and having regretted it having heard great things about it I decided to head out.
Having had dinner some painkillers some plasters and a change of shoes I set off with 40 minutes to get from my closest station to Shoreditch.The gods of transport smiled on me and a little judicious use of online bus planners meant I made it to Bar Kick by 7.35.
Bar Kick was a I guess a table football bar. It had a vague continental cafe bar feel. Reinforced by the fact they sold Orangina. However having followed a chalked notice and slipped behind a curtain I entered a whole different world. As my money was taken by a lady in nipple tassels I wondered if the bar patrons knew what was happening beneath their feet.
The actor kicked off with a man doing a reverse cross dressing striptease transforming from a naked man to a fully dressed women.It was well done in time to the music and with subtle touches of humour. Alas twas the highlight of the evening
You know how their are comedians who equate being rude with being funny well this show equated being naked with being erotic. Some comedians get away with it and I'm sure some acts do to alas their weren't any in that night.
We had a couple of clothed acts . A diary reading Sorry an erotic reading by some guy which ran too long by a considerable margin and a lady who heavily influenced by cabaret
performed a silly song with the help of 4 audience members. The crux of her act was that in English Whoopie can mean sex and also a whoopie cushion. So she invited members to volunteer to help her make whoopie.
We also had a brace of transexuals . Whose act was basically suprise I'm not a man anymore!! The first was apparently a Jewish man Lazlo Perlman he came on and proceeded to seek to confirm every positive stereotype of the wisecracking new york jew. He gave out donuts to all the Jews in the audience and thenwhen those ran out to anyone who wanted one. He then told us stories of his childhood and his mum . Who would seem to have her picture next to the dictionnary definition of sexual liberation. He told us some other stories of his life growing up as a Jew . He was quite amusing and gradually removed his clothing for his big reveal that he was no longer a man.
The other transexual recited a poem about "no one loving a fairy when she's forty " it was quite tragic really
This was in the second half which was open mike time. The amateurs were a mixed bunch including a german who told a story about baking being racist and had a carrot up his ass which he used to stir his drink.
A man who very matter factedly told us he was a sadist and recited us some poems which were fairly brutal.
The evening was I suppose all embracing and it was nice to provide people with a safe environment the felt they could share in but I dont think I'll be going back for round 2
My day had not been going well as with an uncanny sense of timing I'd decided to combine breaking in some new boots with work giving a pedometer to all staff as a healthy living promotion.one which may be slightly floored as they have introduced a competitive element but minimal oversight. I suspect several staffs dogs will be getting a new collar accessory over the coming weeks. Personally i wil treat it as an opportunity to do more exercise . To cut a long story short by the time work finished I'd acquired 3 blisters and a limp. So I decided to head for home rather than hop on a train for a change of shoes. Having missed Herts pride at the weekend and having regretted it having heard great things about it I decided to head out.
Having had dinner some painkillers some plasters and a change of shoes I set off with 40 minutes to get from my closest station to Shoreditch.The gods of transport smiled on me and a little judicious use of online bus planners meant I made it to Bar Kick by 7.35.
Bar Kick was a I guess a table football bar. It had a vague continental cafe bar feel. Reinforced by the fact they sold Orangina. However having followed a chalked notice and slipped behind a curtain I entered a whole different world. As my money was taken by a lady in nipple tassels I wondered if the bar patrons knew what was happening beneath their feet.
The actor kicked off with a man doing a reverse cross dressing striptease transforming from a naked man to a fully dressed women.It was well done in time to the music and with subtle touches of humour. Alas twas the highlight of the evening
You know how their are comedians who equate being rude with being funny well this show equated being naked with being erotic. Some comedians get away with it and I'm sure some acts do to alas their weren't any in that night.
We had a couple of clothed acts . A diary reading Sorry an erotic reading by some guy which ran too long by a considerable margin and a lady who heavily influenced by cabaret
performed a silly song with the help of 4 audience members. The crux of her act was that in English Whoopie can mean sex and also a whoopie cushion. So she invited members to volunteer to help her make whoopie.
We also had a brace of transexuals . Whose act was basically suprise I'm not a man anymore!! The first was apparently a Jewish man Lazlo Perlman he came on and proceeded to seek to confirm every positive stereotype of the wisecracking new york jew. He gave out donuts to all the Jews in the audience and thenwhen those ran out to anyone who wanted one. He then told us stories of his childhood and his mum . Who would seem to have her picture next to the dictionnary definition of sexual liberation. He told us some other stories of his life growing up as a Jew . He was quite amusing and gradually removed his clothing for his big reveal that he was no longer a man.
The other transexual recited a poem about "no one loving a fairy when she's forty " it was quite tragic really
This was in the second half which was open mike time. The amateurs were a mixed bunch including a german who told a story about baking being racist and had a carrot up his ass which he used to stir his drink.
A man who very matter factedly told us he was a sadist and recited us some poems which were fairly brutal.
The evening was I suppose all embracing and it was nice to provide people with a safe environment the felt they could share in but I dont think I'll be going back for round 2
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