The Story so far....

Warning this post contains soul searching

So it's been about  a year since I decided  to try and get out of my shell and change things up.

About this time last year I'd just had a week's holiday at home. A week spent mostly on my own where I did some soul searching.

I realised that I had very few friends  locally and none to go out with .That the last time I'd been out on a Saturday night was 3 years ago. Having been mugged just before leaving university  I d stopped going out after dark where I could help it. Mostly subconsciously. I hadn't been on a date  in 8  years again not much opportunity when you don't get out a lot .

 Plus my mugger had been a 5 ft something female drug addict armed with a broken bottle s which had given me issues  with going out but also meeting females. Plus it had shaken my confidence as a bloke being mugged by a female doesn't help your ego. Even if you know deep down that someone hopped up on drugs and prepared to gouge your face we with a broken bottle  is going to be a challenge whatever your size.

I hadn't been on holiday for a while since my holiday company reserved right to Chuck overweight people off the coach.i just couldn't risk the embarrassment.

So it's a year later not having been out to London for a night out I'm now a regular for nights out in London.
I 've made some great new friends. Which have been a lifeline. Last Halloween I went out on my own Fed up of being stuck inside with no one to do things  with. This year I'm hosting a meet up..

So 've lost over 2 stone, learnt to drive , changed jobs in an upward direction. Despite being petrified no one would employ  me because I'm too fat. Mostly down to my dad telling me at the age of around 20 that no one would employ fat people as they were fat and useless. He was trying to encourage me to lose weight in his own way.

Lots of changes my weight is the last barrier I need to deal with.

I was at event recently last night in fact and I had a lot of time to think when I was on my own . I'm never going to be one of the sexy beautiful people. Is it worth trying , will I ever find someone , am i destined to remain alone.

 I 've tried dating this past year and been on about 8 first dates and one second date. The second date I was really hoping would  turn into a third.  With someone who I thought it might work out  with . This possibility since December got me through a lot of first dates which didn't get anywhere. However months of hope were dashed last Thursday.

Modern internet dating is cruel . You can chat with someone for weeks even months. Then first date  and they don't like the look of you and that is it. No more contact in a lot of cases, not even a sorry there's no chemistry.

I have  come to somewhat of a dead end. I've  exhausted my possible contacts online and emailing another 40 or 50  women hoping to strike a rapport seems daunting at this point.

As for meeting someone in an another way  I tend to automatically friend zone  my female acquaintances convinced that they don't find me attractive. If they did they'd probably have to use a skywriter to get my attention.

As for meeting someone in a club my lack of confidence combines with my chivalrous bent. I do sometimes wish i was a bit more of a cad or at least more confident.

I am kind of stuck on what to do next. Part me is considering giving it all up.That there is no point and that no will ever find me attractive

There is one possibility Club Indulge which is apparently for larger folk or though I suspect it is mostly for BBW  . i'm a little scared of the idea of going it alone and as a last resort that either I still wont find someone or i will bottle it and not talk to anyone